


The Unforgiving Minutes

by El Staplador (elstaplador)



Category: Rev. (TV)
Genre: Community: 52fandoms, Documentation, Ensemble Cast, Gen, Minutes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-04
Updated: 2013-01-04
Packaged: 2017-11-23 16:03:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/623984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elstaplador/pseuds/El%20Staplador
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Minutes of the meeting of Parochial Church Council, St-Saviour-in-the-Marshes, held at The Vicarage, 8pm, 31st October 2012 (uncorrected)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Unforgiving Minutes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [highfantastical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/highfantastical/gifts).



> I do hope you enjoy this; it's nearer the lighter end of the spectrum than your request necessarily calls for, I think, but your line about 'insider knowledge of of any theological institutions' tickled my fancy.
> 
> NB: I really hope that no one from my church has found my fanfic, but if they have I would like to reassure them that _our_ PCC meetings are nothing like this. Nothing like this at all.

**Minutes of the meeting of Parochial Church Council, St-Saviour-in-the-Marshes, held at The Vicarage, 8pm, 31st October 2012 (uncorrected)**

_Chair:_ Rev. Adam Smallbone  
 _Minutes:_ Nigel McCall

 _PCC members present:_ Nigel McCall, Adoha Onyeka, Adam Smallbone, Alex Smallbone  
 _Non-PCC members present (in the Vicarage, at least):_ Colin Lambert

  
The Vicar called the meeting to order and opened with a moving (though seasonally inappropriate) prayer.

**1\. Apologies for Absence**

None, although some members felt that Colin might apologise for being present.

**2\. Minutes of Previous Meeting, 2nd July 2012**

The minutes of the previous were found to be missing as a result of the furniture polish leakage problem and subsequent computer breakdown; consequently the minutes of the penultimate meeting, 15th May 2012, were circulated in their place.

Nigel clarified that 'monster' on p. 2 under item 7 should read 'monstrance'.

The minutes were agreed as a correct record, subject to Nigel's correcting the bit about the Bishop, ('who won't be reading them anyway' according to Adam.)

_ACTION: Nigel to correct minutes._

  
**3\. Quinquennial Report**

Nigel and Adoha reported that the Archdeacon had made the quinquennial inspection and 'we're buggered' (Nigel)/'it isn't good news' (Adoha). Repairs to the west window were outstanding from the last inspection (2007, for such of the committee as are mathematically challenged), the 'swan-neck' drains were blocked again and causing leakage (and, inevitably, damage to plaster and paintwork) in the south aisle; woodworm damage had been noted in the last four rows of pews in the nave.

Alex absented herself from the ensuing discussion to 'see what Colin was doing in the kitchen'. The minutes taker rather wishes he'd followed her example.

_ACTION: Adam to raid the Extraordinary Repair Fund_  
 _ACTION: Nigel to provide updated report on Extraordinary Repair Fund_  
 _ACTION: Adam to toss a coin to see which of the drains or the woodworm get sorted first._  
 _ACTION: Adoha to see if English Heritage can be persuaded to cough up for any of it._

  
**4\. Christmas**

Once it had been ascertained that the Vicar was in fact quite all right, and not suffering from acute appendicitis or possession (either seemed a plausible explanation of the noises he was making at the mention of the 'C' word) the committee discussed the possible pattern of services over Christmas.

a) carol service. Objection: St-Saviour-in-the-Marshes has no choir. The Vicar mentioned the possibility of inviting the choir of St Michael's to sing the carol service while their refurbishment is under way. Objection: high churchmanship of St Michael's might upset regular St Saviour's congregation. Vicar said 'the Christian spirit of hospitality ought to cover it'. Objection: the organ needs tuning.

(At this point Alex left the discussion to answer the door. The caller was evidently not one of our backsliding PCC members, as she told them to 'Fuck off'. Mind you, having said that...)

The Vicar suggested that collections over the Christmas period might cover the cost of having the organ tuned, and that having a functional instrument might make the church more attractive to musicians, allowing us to hold concerts etc. over the summer months. Adoha endorsed this idea.

Nigel requested that, if we must have a carol service, that it at least be held on the Sunday after Christmas, when it actually is Christmas, and not Advent.

_ACTION: Adam to approach rector and choirmaster of St Michael's to explore the possibility of their providing the main attraction for a carol service. To stress that unaccompanied carols would be ideal._

  
b) crib service. The Vicar suggested inviting Ellie and one or more classes from the school to play a formal part in the service. Objection: most of them are hideous ungodly little brats. Objection: they are mostly away for Christmas anyway.

Apparently a crib service is obligatory if the census has recorded anyone under the age of fifteen resident in the parish. Whoopie doo.

_ACTION: Adam to discuss school's potential involvement with the headteacher.  
ACTION: Nigel to find and/or replace missing figures from crib: Mary, baby Jesus, two wise men (high priority); sheep, ass, the shepherd with the red headdress (low priority)._

  
c) midnight mass.  Not after last year. Not even if we call it 'midnight communion', 'midnight eucharist', or even 'midnight service'.

  
 **5\. Financial Report**

Unmentionable.

  
 **6\. Youth Work**

Unthinkable.

Oh, very well. The Vicar reported that the Archdeacon has suggested that the parish employ a youth worker in a foolhardy attempt to make church more appealing to the younger generation. ('He says that they're our future; and also that if they're in the church drinking coffee or whatever it is young people do these days, then they can't be outside it throwing stones through the windows. And that the diocese is due for some audit or other.')

Alex left the ensuing discussion, having been obliged to go upstairs to tend to the younger generation herself.

_ACTION: Adam to see if there are any funds we can tap for this balderdash._

  
**7\. General Synod**

The Vicar expressed his 'sincere hope' that General Synod could get things sorted out this time round, at least.

_ACTION: All to pray_

  
**8\. Sound System**

Adoha reported that a number of complaints had been received from members of the congregation about the buzzing and whistling noises made by the sound system. (Feedback about the feedback, in fact, ho ho.) Colin added that 'you ought to turn your thingy off before you start singing, Vicarage' – an observation that resulted in most of the committee forgiving him his presence at the meeting.

Alex left the discussion to gently dissuade some revellers from marking the Eve of All Saints by covering the Vicarage with the traditional egg and flour decorations.

_ACTION: Nigel to spend six bloody hours on the phone to the sound system people again, no doubt._

  
**9\. Website**

Nigel reported that the church website had gone down; on further investigation it transpired that the site had been down for the past eight months without anybody noticing.

_ACTION: Alex to speak to someone she knows who runs a web hosting company, which one hopes won't go bust within the year._

  
**10\. Date of next meeting**

The date of the next meeting was noted as 3rd January 2013.

The meeting closed at 11.39pm. A record.


End file.
